8 Funny Jokes about Married Couples

When it comes to quick wit and unexpected twists, these jokes deliver a punchline with a twist of irony and humor. From dueling for love gone wrong to a Black Friday surprise, these tales explore the hilarity in life’s most awkward and ironic moments, proving that laughter truly is the best medicine.

There’s nothing like a good joke to brighten up your day, especially when life and marriage feel a bit too serious. Humor has a unique way of cutting through tension, offering a momentary escape and a reason to smile. Marriage, while wonderful, comes with its challenges.

Newlywed couple kissing | Source: Pexels

Navigating those tricky moments often requires a light-hearted approach. Whether it’s an argument over a minor mishap or the quirks that come with years together, a sense of humor can be the perfect remedy. So, take a break, relax, and enjoy a laugh—it’s good for the soul!

A Tale of Cans and Cash

When David and Hillary first get married, David tells her, “I’m putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look inside of it.”

For 30 years, Hillary keeps her promise and never peeks. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity gets the best of her.

A box under the bed | Source: Midjourney

She lifts the lid and peeks inside the box. To her surprise, there are three empty beer cans and $2,500 in cash.

That evening, over dinner, Hillary can’t contain her guilt any longer. She confesses, “David, I’m so sorry. For all these years, I’ve kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. But today, the temptation was too much, and I gave in and looked.”

“Now I need to know, why do you keep the empty beer cans in the box?”

A box with beer cans | Source: Midjourney

David thinks for a while and finally says, “I suppose, after all those years, you deserve to know the truth.”

“Whenever I am unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary is shocked but says, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And three times isn’t bad considering the number of years we’ve been together.”

An upset middle-aged woman | Source: Pexels

A little while later, Hillary asks, “So, why do you have all that money in the box?”

David answers, “Well… Whenever the box fills up with empty cans, I take them to the recycling center and redeem them for cash.”

Lost and Feline

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife’s cat, so he decides to abandon it. He puts it into his car, drives a few blocks away, then drops the cat off and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

“Well,” the man thinks to himself, “maybe it was a little too short of a distance.”

He gets back in his car with the cat, drives five miles and sets it free.

A cat on the floor | Source: Pexels

Not twenty minutes later, the cat is back home.

“That’s enough!” the man thinks to himself. He puts the cat in his cat and drives 50 miles, then through a forest, over a bridge, and finally abandons the cat in the middle of a clearing.

A half an hour later, the man calls home. “Is the cat there?” he asks his wife.

An orange cat | Source: Pexels

“Yes, why?” she answers.

The man replies, “Put it in the phone. I need directions.”

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Who’s the Funniest of Them All?

A man asked his wife what she liked best about him.

“Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect? Maybe it’s my striking facial structure?”

She paused for a moment and patted him gently on the shoulder. “Your sense of humor, dear.”

A happy couple | Source: Pexels

Dog-gone Trouble

One morning, a woman tiptoes into the kitchen, where her husband is peacefully enjoying his morning coffee and reading the newspaper. She sneaks up behind him and, without warning, gives him a firm slap on the back of his head.

Startled, he nearly spills his coffee. “What was that for?” he exclaims, rubbing the back of his head and turning to face her.

A startled man | Source: Pexels

“I found a piece of paper in your pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she says furiously, waving the crumpled note in front of his face. “You had better have a good explanation!”

Her husband takes a deep breath, trying to remain calm, “Calm down, honey,” he says soothingly. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”

Dog racing | Source: Midjourney

She narrows her eyes, studying his face for any sign of deceit. After a tense moment, she reluctantly nods and walks away, leaving him to his coffee and newspaper.

The next morning, just as he’s settling into his routine with his cup of coffee, his wife creeps into the kitchen again. With a swift movement, she smacks him on the back of the head once more.

A shocked man | Source: Pexels

He jumps, nearly knocking over his coffee mug. “What was that for?” he complains, turning around to see her standing there with a triumphant look on her face.

His wife replies…

“Your dog called last night.”

Assertive Makeover

A man is tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he goes to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist tells him he needs to build his self-esteem and gives him a book on assertiveness. He finished the book before going back home.

A man reading a book | Source: Pexels

The man storms into the house and walks right up to his wife. Pointing a finger at her face, he says, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!”

“I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.”

“Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me a bath so I can relax…”

An angry woman | Source: Pexels

“And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replies, “A funeral director?”

A Shot in the Dark

A man gets home early from work, and catches his wife in bed with another man. The husband challenges the other man to an old-fashioned duel with his handguns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife.

The other man agrees, so they go into another room, so the wife doesn’t have to see it.

A man pointing at the door | Source: Pexels

Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and says, “Why should either of us have to die? We will both fire a shot into the air and lay on the ground as if we’re dead… “

“When she comes in she will see our ‘lifeless’ bodies and rush to one of us, whoever she chooses can have her.”

The other man agrees again, so they fire into the air and collapse.

Two men sprawled on the floor | Source: Midjourney

The wife throws the door open and peers down at the two men, then backs out of the room and calls out…

“Darling, you can come out, they’re both dead!”

Speed of Sound

An elderly couple are driving across the country. The woman is at the wheel when she is pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” asks the police officer.

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

A police car | Source: Pexels

The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

“May I see your license?” asks the officer.

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman gives the officer her license.

An officer on the road | Source: Pexels

“I see you’re from Arkansas,” says the officer. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

The old man replies, “He thinks he knows you!”

Diamond in the Rough

On Black Friday, a wife drags her husband out to the mall to attend all the sales. Midway through the mall, the wife notices that her husband is missing.

A woman in a clothing store | Source: Pexels

Annoyed, the wife calls him on his cellphone. She says, “Where are you? You know we have lots of sales to get to.”

He replies, “Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? Remember how I couldn’t afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?”

A diamond necklace | Source: Pexels

Little tears start to flow down his wife’s cheek as she gets all choked up. “Yes, I do remember that shop!” she replies.

The husband adds, “Well, imagine that—it had closed down!”

A closed store | Source: Pexels